Islanders summoned to their local Parish Hall will now be able to fight their corner through the medium of rap.
The move comes on the back of a rising number of complaints from Jersey residents that the current system of Parish Hall enquiries is archaic and outdated. The enquiry system – which dates back over 800 years – is a customary, informal investigation undertaken by Centeniers to decide whether there is enough evidence to justify a prosecution.
However, that is all set to change.
We spoke to a member of the team overseeing the wider changes across the Island’s twelve Parishes.
“So we heard the voice of locals – that the system is old, stuck in its ways, and needed to be modernised. This is how we are going about making those changes. We had an initial scoping exercise, and at the start one of the team mentioned that he watched Eight Mile for the first time the night before. Then it struck us – Eminem should become a Centenier” the spokesperson began.
“Naturally, we eventually realised that might be somewhat difficult – he is a busy man after all. But after much discussion, and a concerning number of mind-maps, we arrived at the current proposition” they explained.
We spoke to some locals about the change in approach.
“Look, if it means if I can mumble-rap my way out of a fine for doing 22mph through St. Aubin’s village then sign me up. I mean have you listened to some of the rap nowadays? It’s like they’re reading a shopping list after 15 pints. Biggie Smalls is turning in his grave” one Islander commented.
Another Islander, going by the name Cardi B – the B standing for Brelades, welcomed the decision.
“Absolutely I-DEAL!” she exclaimed. “If all I have to do to dodge the law is rap my way out, I will be untouchable” she smiled, her golden Jersey Cow chain glistening in the light. “I put the well ‘ard in Mont Felard.”
It appears there is no clear timeframe for when these changes are set to be implemented, but the organisers claim it will be as soon as possible.
“We’re working hard to get it all in place. Some of the team are sourcing sound-systems. Some are procuring microphones. Others have been dispatched to each Parish Hall and tasked with smashing the place up a bit – make it look ‘rougher’, ‘grittier’, ya know? Get that rap battle vibe going.”
When asked who exactly who Islanders would be ‘battling’, the spokesperson was reluctant to divulge too much information.
“Each enquiry will be three rounds, each relating to an aspect of Jersey life: beaches, nightlife, sweet-chili hummus, etc. A panel will decide the winner, which then determines what happens to the case. And let’s just say, and I don’t want to spill too much info here…the Centenier’s have been doing their research. Heard one practising in the coffee room the other day – he sounded decent.” he said, surprised.
“I think one of them has over 10,000 followers on that app…erm what’s it called. Tik-Tok?”